


A Goodbye in Drafts

by wemaketheworldgo



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Light Angst, M/M, Mentions of self-harm, Post-Break Up, mentions of cutting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-20
Updated: 2018-12-13
Packaged: 2019-08-04 18:41:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16352069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wemaketheworldgo/pseuds/wemaketheworldgo
Summary: Mark writes letters to his ex because he can't let go of him, and he doesn't want to. Things take a turn when he accidentally sends the wrong things to the wrong person.





	1. The First Letter

**Author's Note:**

> me: starts another fic even tho i have wips ha ha im a mess  
> 

_ Love, Mark. _

A closing, a dissolution--that was his intention. But what's a goodbye that was never meant to be spoken, or read, or mentioned? This was simply another letter that Mark would never send, typed out on his laptop and saved in an unnamed folder in his documents. Because no matter what kind of closure Mark would beg for in his personal attempts to convince himself to move on, he couldn’t bear saying goodbye. Not to him.

Five letters. One written right after they broke up, and another four for every time they had encountered each other afterwards. Each letter ending with the same two words that he could no longer voice to the one person who deserved to hear them. Each letter an attempt to bid farewell to his feelings only to have said feelings hit him in full force again each time he saw him.

Seeing him again was unavoidable, one of the complications that arise when one dates within one’s circle of friends. Mark still feels guilt at the rift that was created between their friends after the breakup. They had insisted that no one would choose sides, because no one was truly at fault. But it was natural human tendency to have opinions and preferences; some of his friends simply had more in common with Mark and spent more time with him than with the other. The group had not fallen apart. Not on the surface. But the foundation was cracked. And Mark didn’t know how to fix it. None of them did.

So Mark writes letters to make him feel better, even though they don’t really do much. He keeps them in an insignificant-looking folder on his computer and never reads them again, just keeps them in case he wants to in the future.

And maybe today, on what was supposed to be their second anniversary, he misses him more, so for the first time, he opens the file he created nine months ago.

  
  
  


_ Dear Hyuck, _

_ I don’t even know why I’m writing you this letter. We literally just saw each other to say goodbye. Well… it was goodbye, goodbye. Not forever, goodbye, we’ll still be friends, I think. If I can handle that. _

_ So maybe I’m writing this to say all the things I couldn’t say out loud. Maybe I’ll start with how I feel.  _

_ I’m devastated.  _

_ I mean it’s not like I didn’t see it coming. I noticed it months ago, how you didn’t respond to my texts as fast as you used to, how you hesitated before saying I love you back, how you stopped holding me in your sleep. I noticed it before you noticed it, probably. I know you better than you know yourself, after all. But I never brought it up. I didn’t want to let you know that after a year together, I was still insecure. Not with you, but with myself. I was afraid of you leaving me, so I denied the realization that you might no longer love me. Because between you and me, you probably loved me more than I loved myself. _

_ You made me so happy, sunshine. You always made sure to cheer me up when I was feeling off, hold me when I was crying, celebrate my successes. I used to think it was an exaggeration when they said being in love brought more color into your life, but when I met you I realized what they meant. _

_ I’m sorry if I couldn’t do the same for you. I thought I was good for you. When your health improved and you stopped cutting, I thought we would make it. All the way til the end. But like I always knew, I’m not good enough for anyone. Everyone leaves me, after all. _

_ Especially people as wonderful as you. _

_ I wish I could be sad for myself. Or that there was someone to blame. But you simply don’t love me back, so I let you go. Who is at fault there? I tried for months to hold onto you but it was like trying to grasp sand, and I could feel you sifting through my fingers, slowly, slowly, until I had nothing left. So as much as it hurt me to let you go, I’ll do it. I just want you to be happy, I’m just sorry that your happiness wasn’t me. Not anymore. _

_ I have nothing but “sorry”s to offer you. Sorry for boring you. Sorry for not being into the same things as you. Sorry if I made you feel like I was holding you back, or that you were holding me back. Sorry for not being able to help with your family or with your schoolwork. But I’m not sorry for loving you. That’s the one thing in my life I will never regret. _

_ I don’t think I’ll love anyone else after you, not for a long time. But you won’t know that anyway, since you’ll never see this. _

_ Am I dumb for wondering if I still have a chance? Even though I’ve been praying for months for the light to return to your eyes when you see me, I still have hope you’ll come back to me. _

_ I’m still yours. _

_ Love, Mark. _

  
  


Mark pushes the screen of his laptop closed and lies back in his bed, giving up on holding back his tears. He misses the warmth of Donghyuck’s body on his side, the sensation of his stomach pressed against Mark’s ribs and the scent of his hair--Mark’s favorite strawberry shampoo. Although it has actually been over a year since Donghyuck last held him like that, he still misses it. He can still recreate the image in his mind, and if he concentrates hard enough, he can still smell his hair even though he threw away that bottle of shampoo when they broke up.

After nine months, Mark still knows every word in the letter still rings true. And though he was past the point of hoping for another chance, he knew that if Donghyuck asked, he wouldn’t hesitate for a second. That’s why he never deleted the letters, nor opened them before today. Because after all this time, it was like nothing changed. Like his world stood still the day they stopped being a  _ them _ and just became a  _ me and you. _

In the dark of his room, with only the light of the streetlamp streaming in through the window, he allows himself to imagine all his what ifs again. He falls asleep like that, the ghostlike sensation of a touch still lingering in his hand, a familiar laugh ringing in the distant crevices of his dreams.


	2. The Second Letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first time Mark sees Hyuck again after their breakup, he isn't ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> proofreading? i dont know her
> 
> anyway this is basically based on my life lmao

The first time they met after the break up, it was Jeno's fault. Sort of.  
  
Jeno, Mark, Donghyuck and Jaemin had all met at the same time and became close friends. Jeno had asked to have dinner with Mark because he apparently had something to tell him. Mark only agreed once Jeno guaranteed he would come alone; it had only been 5 months since the break up and he was still deeply in pain over it.  
  
It's after a round of small talk and catching up when the waiter comes with their meals that Mark asked, "So, what's the big thing you had to tell me?"  
  
Jeno took a deep breath and shut his eyes before spouting quickly, "I think I might like Jaemin."  
  
Mark doesn't bother to pretend to be shocked, instead releasing a burst of giggles. "Oh, Jeno." Mark has in fact had several conversations with Donghyuck and Jaemin about how long it would take Jeno to realize his own feelings. Well, back when he and Hyuck were still together. But he didn't bring this up, didn't want to invalidate Jeno's confession because he knew it must have taken a lot for him to admit it, that it meant a lot to him.  
  
Jeno can only wail. "What do I do, Mark? You have to help me out, you're the love expert."  
  
"If I were a love expert, I wouldn't be single and still in love with my ex," Mark said wistfully, although he can't help but smile at how Jeno pouts while shoving waffles into his mouth.  
  
Jeno mumbled, mouth full of food. "I miss when we would hang out, the four of us, without all these feelings in the way."  
  
"Me too. But we can't go back to the way things used to be now... But that's life, right? We can't stay the same forever. People come and go in our lives so we just treasure the time we have with them until they have to go."  
  
"Ooh, okay mister deep words poet. Like I said, a love expert." Mark snorted at this, but continued to counsel Jeno as he ruminated over whether or not to ask Jaemin on a date.  
  
"Seriously, I doubt Jaemin will reject you. And even if he does, he's not the type to ruin your friendship over something like that."  
  
"Are you and Hyuck still friends?" Jeno raised an eyebrow.  
  
Mark fell back into his chair. "We.... text once in a while." By once in a while, Mark meant they had only sent each other heartfelt birthday messages. And that one time Mark tweeted about not being able to sleep because he watched a horror movie and needed a distraction, and Donghyuck texted out of concern, happy to supply Mark with anime recommendations.  
  
As much as Mark wanted to be friends, he hated how those messages made him feel. With every notification he felt a surge of both pain and hope. He hoped and hoped that Donghyuck would ask for him to come back to him, only to have the conversations limited to small talk and platonic intentions. He hated how nice Donghyuck was being. It didn't make moving on any easier.  
  
Mark almost hadn't noticed the heat pooling in the back of his eyes or the tightness in his chest. He snapped out of his reverie and pushed down the urge to let a sob escape his throat. Jeno had remained quiet and watched Mark fondly, sensing that he needed a moment to compose himself.  
  
So while Mark had a moment, Jeno chose to check his phone, and saw a few messages from Donghyuck.  
  
**duckie 7:38pm**  
_Yo dude, whatcha up to_  
  
**me 7:38pm**  
_im having dinner w mark at the waffle place uwu_  
  
**duckie 7:39pm**  
_Oh near campus? me and jaem are having dinner nearby too maybe we could drop by and say hi_  
  
"Uhhh, Mark? Hyuck and Jaemin wanna drop by, they had dinner around here too, is that okay with you?"  
  
Mark nearly jumped out of his seat at the mention of Donghyuck. "No, no Jeno I can't- I can't see him, I'm not ready to see him face-to-face, please don't." The crescendo of his voice was broken by a tremor. He could feel panic rising in his throat, the sob he previously pushed down was filling his chest and making his head pound.  
  
"Mark, calm down, I'll tell him we're going home, okay? Let's go get the bill before he gets here." Jeno's heart hurt at the sight of the older boy looking defeated and now sniffling. He shot Donghyuck a text that said _nah, we're heading home now,_ and flagged down a waiter to ask for the bill.  
  
The bill still hadn't arrived when a "BOO!" shook the back of Mark's chair, scaring both him and Jeno. Mark turned to see Donghyuck holding onto the back of the chair, with Jaemin smiling close behind him.  
  
Mark's mind blanked as soon as he saw him. His body somehow managed a smile and a wave on autopilot. He watched them both give Jeno a hug, and faintly registered them talking about how they were just in the neighboring restaurant, eating dinner on their way to another friend's party a few blocks away.  
  
Donghyuck looked... better. He had cut his long hair that Mark had begged him to trim, he lost fat and gained muscle, he finally got around to getting glasses (he had always complained about his poor vision but never went to have it checked), and the scars on his wrists were faded. The last one was what made Mark relieved. It meant that after Mark had made him stop, he hadn't gone back to it. For that, he was thankful.  
  
They stayed for a total of three minutes and left with promises of another hangout, all four of them. Once they were out of sight, Mark noticed his hands had been shaking the entire time.  
  
"Mark, I'm so sorry, I didn't think they'd still come after I told them--"  
  
"It's not your fault, Jeno." Mark assured him, placing his hand on top of Jeno's.  
  
After the bill was paid and they stood outside of the restaurant, about to walk in opposite directions, Mark said, "I'm glad he's doing well." He was looking up at the night sky, remembering how Donghyuck once talked about them being under the same moon. He wants to cry.  
  
"You did him a lot of good, you know," Jeno said, looking at Mark with his hands in his pockets and placed a hand on his shoulder. "The most good he's ever gotten."  
  
Mark just smiled at Jeno as he said goodbye and watched him walk away, figure growing smaller until he turned a corner. Then he turned and walked home.  
  
Only when Mark was safely home did he allow himself to break down. He cried for three hours, curled up in his bed and thinking of the way Donghyuck only seemed to get better when he was away from him.

 

He writes the letter in his drafts the next day.

  
_Dear Hyuck,_  
  
_I saw you again last night. I'm sorry I didn't say anything. I just didn't expect to see you, I didn't prepare myself, and I blacked out. You're still as beautiful as ever. You definitely look healthier. Maybe you're happier too, now that you're free from pretending to still be in love with me, now that you're not trapped by me and you can do whatever you want._  
  
_I wish I could say the same for myself, but I'm still hung up on you. I'm still in love with your laugh, your voice, your eyes. The way you understood me more than anyone else in the world. The way you held me when I cried. The way you put so much passion in everything you do. Everything about you._  
  
_Is it too much to still hope for a future together? Maybe so. But if you asked, I wouldn't hesitate for a second to go with you to the ends of the earth. Or if I heard you had someone else, I'd be so happy for you. Because even if I can take care of myself, I can't bear to think of you all alone. You deserve to be loved. That's why even if you don't love me back, I'll still love you. Because you deserve it._  
  
_Jeno talked about the four of us hanging out again together. I hope the day will come when that's possible, when I can see you and be okay. I don't know how long it will take. I hope it comes soon. Maybe then I can be happy._  
  
_I hope you're happy._  
  
_Love, Mark._


	3. The Third Letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It might take seeing someone else come into Donghyuck's life for Mark to realize that he really, really needs to let go. Or does he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quite a long chapter ahead!!! longer than the stuff i usually write, it took me like three days to finish and i didnt even proofread. sorry if it's been a while since the last chapter, not doing so well mental-health wise lately i think? but anyway here it is uwu

It's wintertime and Mark is all alone; Jeno has gone to a ski resort with his family and Jaemin's escaped to a beach somewhere in a farther, warmer country. His own family's gone on a trip to Canada with distant relatives that Mark would rather not see after they had reacted negatively last Christmas to him bringing home a boy instead of a girl. But it's fine, Mark doesn't mind the quiet of the deserted college campus, calm after the chaos that was the first term.

With the lack of people stomping all over the snow, most of the college roads were covered in pristine white fluff instead of the greyish sludge that snow usually turned into under heavy foot traffic. Although the school cafeteria was closed, there were lots of nearby restaurants and cafes that remained open and Mark spent most of his time there instead of his solitary dorm room with its dysfunctional heater.

It was on one very cold night when Mark was returning home from one of those restaurants when Mark meets Donghyuck again, accidentally.

He was walking on his usual trail when he heard distant laughter, which was uncommon considering there was barely anyone else on campus, and he hadn't seen anyone on this path since the break started.

He looked up to see a familiar figure coming up over the hill, arm-in-arm with another boy, forming a wriggling mass of thick winter padding. The two were laughing gleefully and unrestrainedly, unaware of Mark's presence. When Mark saw the smile on Donghyuck's face--the smile he missed so badly--he felt his heart drop to the pit of his stomach. He missed that smile, the sound of his laughter, the way he doubled over when he ran out of breath, it was all so distinctly the same as before. Only Mark wasn't the one making him laugh.

And Mark has spent six months away from him, and he doesn't even have the _right_ to, and he really _really_ shouldn't, but he can't help compare himself to the person that Donghyuck was clutching onto so tightly. Where Mark was sharp lines and rough hands, he was soft curves and pliant skin. Where Mark was anti-PDA and shied away from Donghyuck's overly affectionate gestures in public, this boy practically leaned into his embrace. Where Mark towered over Donghyuck, he was small, if not smaller than Donghyuck, his padding almost swallowing him whole. The biggest difference of all was that Mark and Donghyuck were far, far apart, and that boy was right there by his side, where Mark longed to be.

It took a while, but the two seemed to finally notice Mark, who had frozen on the spot in his mental soliloquy. As soon as their eyes met, Donghyuck's smile slowly dropped.

"Mark," he whispered, so quiet Mark wasn't sure he heard it.

"Hyuck." Saying his name to his face, seeing him right in front of his eyes, Mark's mind was drawing a blank while his heart raced a mile a minute.

Mark and Donghyuck simply stare at each other for what feels like an eternity, neither one of them knowing what to say. Mark is at a loss; he's imagined this happening multiple times, come up with every possible scenario, practiced what he thought he would say, but now he's struggling to come up with something, anything to come out of his mouth. All he's left with is his jaw slack open, short breaths curling up in puffs in the cold night air.

The sound of someone clearing his throat snaps Mark and Donghyuck out of their trance. Mark turns to the other boy whose hand is now extended towards him, implying he wants to shake hands. "I'm Renjun."

Mark, working on autopilot, shakes his hand stiffly. "Mark."

"Heard a lot about you-ow!" Donghyuck elbowed Renjun in the ribs, glaring at him before turning back to Mark. Mark definitely noticed that but his brain couldn't seem to process what it meant.

"What are you still doing here over Christmas break?" Donghyuck asks Mark.

"My family's off in Canada. I'm meeting them when they come back for New Year's. What about you?" Mark is really hoping he's not sounding either emotionless or overly excited right now. His adrenaline is pumping and his brain's filter is off, he doesn't trust himself to not say something stupid.

"Renjun here is an exchange student. He can't really go home for Christmas. So I've offered to stay with him before going back home to the folks."

Mark nods, and an lull in the conversation ensues. He really wants to get out of here, ASAP, before he does anything he might regre-

"How about we spend Christmas together?"

Mark and Donghyuck whipped their heads simultaneously at Renjun and exclaim, "What?"

"Whoa, there," Renjun holds his hands up defensively, "just a suggestion, you know. Being alone on Christmas doesn't seem that great, unless you want to do that I guess? Besides, you guys are friends, right?"

And Mark and his stupid, adrenaline-ridden brain for some goddamn reason blurts out, "Sure." Donghyuck's eyebrows quirk up, "Really?"

He's cursing himself internally because he might have made Donghyuck uncomfortable and he's not sure he can handle being around him for more than five minutes without combusting and he really wants to bolt right now and go back to the confinement of his room where his dumb brain won't betray him. But instead he starts blabbering and stammering: "Yeah, I've got nothing to do, I was just going to sleep all day anyway, I... I wouldn't mind not being alone."

"Oh... okay." Donghyuck has an unreadable expression on his face but at least he doesn't appear angry, or upset, or isn't barring him from ever entering his home or his life ever again.

"Great! See you then at like 7pm, I'm sure you know the way to Donghyuck's place. Nice meeting you, Mark!" Renjun all but yells as he grabs Donghyuck's arm and drags him away, leaving Mark still frozen and watching the two walk quickly in the direction they were originally heading to.

Mark is still dumbfounded when he reaches his room, his mind still trying to process what happened. He decides that he needs another brain to help him process it, and calls up Jeno, who picks up on the third ring.

"Mark, what's up?" Jeno's voice, staticky and muffled, sounds drowsy. He must be lying in bed.

"Dude.... I just met Donghyuck."

"What? What happened?" Jeno's voice perks up, awake and intrigued. Mark narrates the entire encounter, including the invite from the smaller boy.

"Should I go?" Mark's nervous and picking at the dried skin tags peeling at the corners of his nails.

"Why not?"

"I don't know if I can handle it. Besides, what if they're like, a thing? I wouldn't want to intrude." Mark pulls hard at a particularly stubborn peeling cuticle, and the pain from the subsequent wound is instant.

He hears Jeno scoff on the other end. "Dude, if they were a thing-- _which they aren't_ \--this Injun dude wouldn't have invited you."

"It's Renjun, and you don't know that. Maybe he's just super friendly and he thinks we're okay already, like as friends."

"Are you guys _not_ okay as friends?"

"I don't _knowww,_ " Mark whines, exasperated.

"Look, Mark. Just go. Maybe bring a gift. It's been six months, and you seem to be doing better now, I think you can handle it. Don't you value the friendship you guys had?"

Mark exhales. "You're right. It's not like we left on bad terms. Maybe I can do this. I'll try." "That's my boy," Jeno replies, "Now I have to go okay? My mom's giving me a death glare for being on the phone too long and it's bedtime."

"You're a college student, what bedtime do you have?"

"None, time is a social construct, but my mom doesn't know that."

Both boys say goodbye with a laugh and a promise to catch Mark up on Jeno's ski adventures. Mark goes to wash up and get ready for bed, replaying his walk home over and over and thinking of all the things he could have done or said, all the what ifs filling his mind before he drifts off to a dreamless sleep.

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Mark stands in front of Donghyuck's apartment on Christmas eve with a wrapped box in one hand and a plastic bag of various snacks in the other. He figured he wouldn't come empty handed. Inside the wrapped box was a gift that Mark had actually bought for their next anniversary; they broke up before that, but he figured he might as well give it anyway since he didn't want to just get rid of it. It was a record player, the portable kind. Donghyuck had a hobby of collecting vintage records of his favorite artists but never had anything to play them with. That was one of the things Mark and Donghyuck both had passion for: music. While they liked different genres and eras, both of them enjoyed listening to each other's music choices and doing covers together. Those were some of Mark's fondest memories, times when he felt like no one else in the world understood him the way Donghyuck did.

Mark pushed down the fluttering in his chest as he dredged up those memories. He was here as a friend. They could still have moments like that as friends, right? And friends can give each other expensive, meaningful gifts, right?

Mark knows that these are just lies he's telling himself to keep his feelings in check, to make him believe he's okay, but in his jeans' back pocket he had earlier tucked away a letter that he had stayed up all night writing. He had composed it with the thought of giving it to Donghyuck later on along with the gift. It felt impossibly heavy in his pocket, crinkled paper pressed against his leg uncomfortably.

He stood in front of the door for five minutes, trying to gather enough courage to knock and failing. He finally got the nerve to lift his hand up to the door when it suddenly swung open, leaving him with his fist suspended in midair like an idiot.

"Oh, you're here! Come in, Mark." Donghyuck greeted him enthusiastically and gestured him to come inside. Mark was thrown back a little; the younger boy was now acting totally different from when they had encountered each other the other night in the snow. He was acting... like he used to. That pricked Mark's heart a little. He wasn't quite sure how to take it. Nevertheless, he tried his best to return Donghyuck's smile and entered the apartment.

Looking around the place, not much had changed since the last time he'd been here. His furniture was still all in the same places with the addition of a 3-foot Christmas tree in the corner, decorated with flashing lights and tinsel. Mark honed in on the coffee table where there should have been a framed picture of the two of them together, a bit disappointed but not surprised to find that it wasn't there anymore.

In fact, looking closely, all of Mark's previous touches to Donghyuck's living room had seemingly disappeared--picture frames, travel souvenirs, even the video games. It was like he was never here. That stung, but he probably deserved it.

"Oh cool, you brought snacks," Renjun appeared out of nowhere to grab the plastic bag of chips from Mark's hand and quickly inspecting the inside. He brings them over to the couch before plopping down and gesturing for Mark to join him.

"I'm still finishing up dinner, you two hang out or something," Donghyuck calls out before heading into the kitchen. Mark places his gift under the coffee table, not wanting Donghyuck to see it too early. Renjun eyes him curiously but doesn't make a comment. Instead, he engages in small talk about college classes and Christmas plans. He's comfortably friendly, and Mark is aware of his own awkward nature--another thing that differentiates them. Maybe Hyuck would be better off dating him, Mark thinks, aware of the jealous itch in his brain that he tries to squash. Renjun doesn't seem to notice or care, making small talk and leads the conversation away from any potentially sensitive topics, for which Mark is thankful for because otherwise an awkward silence in his ex's apartment would be unbearable. Mark definitely doesn't want to talk about how the apartment changed since the last time he was here, he absolutely doesn't want to think about all the times he's fallen asleep on this very couch cuddling Donghyuck, and he would absolutely die if had to talk about how he missed the familiar aroma currently coming from the kitchen.

Soon, Donghyuck calls them both into the kitchen to have dinner. Mark takes a deep breath before entering, and Renjun catches him and gives him a pat on the back. Mark's not sure what that means.

However, when he sees Donghyuck in an apron setting the table, the scene is so familiar, so recognizable, that it hits him in the throat. It's an image he's seen so many times before and he's struck by just how much he missed it. Missed _him._ Missed having him cook dinner and set the table--it was all so domestic and lovely and warm and it was one of those moments that use to make Mark think they would last forever; now it just left a sickening taste in his mouth.

"What are you doing? Come over and sit down." Mark snaps out of his trance and sits across Renjun, who's sitting beside Donghyuck. He doesn't miss the way Donghyuck looks a tiny bit crestfallen at how Mark chose to sit as far away as possible from him, but Mark's got to do what he's got to do in order to stay sane. If he sat too near he doesn't know what he might do; kiss him, maybe? Or cry, more probably. Either way, he'd rather not risk it.

Everything seems to go okay, for the most part. They catch up on lost time, which is awkward at first but the tension dissipates once Mark mentions Jeno's crush on Jaemin and he recognizes the look in Hyuck's eyes that means he's concocting one of his evil plans. 

"I knew it... he's been pining for _ages._ Mark, if you could get me a copy of Jeno's schedule next semester--"

"Don't you dare, Hyuck! They can work it out for themselves."

"You really think _Jeno_ can work it out?"

".... You have a point."

"I'm just going to ask them to hang out with me, just a casual thing, and maybe give Jeno a little push, ya know."

"I don't think Jeno would appreciate it. Your little push always tends to be.. not so little. You're not a exactly master at subtlety."

Donghyuck pouts at that and Mark's heart does a thing. "And who's gonna stop me? You, Mark Lee?"

Before Mark realizes what he's saying he blurts, "Maybe I will." He really needs to work on filtering things in his brain before saying them, for real.

But Donghyuck just beams his signature sunshine smile and says, "Great, then maybe we can all hang out again! I missed hanging out with you guys." Mark softens at this. He feels guilty for making his friends choose sides or feel awkward about hanging out, even though that was not his intention. He could have fixed this earlier and hung out months ago if he wasn't so hung up on his stupid feelings and incapable of social interaction.

This is his chance to fix that.

"Alright," Mark says, and the smile on his face is the most genuine it's been in a long time, "Let's hang out soon, when they get back."

After dinner, Renjun insists on clearing up and doing the dishes because, he quotes, "Donghyuck already did all the cooking and Mark will probably break a plate while cleaning," leaving the two alone to stand around the living room awkwardly.

"So..." Mark racks his brain for things to say and finds none. Why does he always seem to blank in front of this boy? "I uh... got you a present." He reaches under the coffee table to pull out the haphazardly wrapped box. Donghyuck's mouth widens in surprise. "Oh, god, I didn't get you anything... now I feel bad." "Don't be, it's not like I asked for anything." Donghyuck pouts again, and Mark's hand twitches as he resists the urge to pinch his cheeks.

"Can I open it?" Donghyuck asks as he sits on the couch with the box balanced carefully on his lap. Mark nods, wringing his hands, nervous for his reaction to the gift. He can't decide if he should stay standing or go sit beside him on the couch. After thirty awkward seconds of standing over Donghyuck and watching him gingerly unwrap the paper, careful not to rip it, he chooses to sit.

Mark watches, entranced as Donghyuck purses his lips in concentration, eyebrows furrowed and forming a wrinkle in the bridge of his nose. He doesn't realize he's staring until the other boy gasps out loud once he sees the actual gift inside the box. Donghyuck instantly recognizes the leather suitcase exterior; it had been the one he'd been eyeing in the record store since last year, but he blew his savings to pay for a video game, instead. "Mark... I don't know what to say." Donghyuck looks up at Mark and finds him still staring, and this time, Mark can't bear to look away.

The both of them stay silent, neither of them daring to be the one to break the moment. Donghyuck's expression is curious, almost earnest, almost searching, and Mark feels scrutinized and confused. Their faces are way too close, enough that Mark can count the eyelashes on his lids and the freckles dusting his cheeks. It almost seems like they're getting closer and closer.

"Chips time--oh. Did I interrupt something?" Renjun pops out of the kitchen with snacks in his arms, making Mark and Donghyuck jump back. Mark's suddenly aware of what just happened-or almost happened-- and stands up quickly.

"I, uh, gotta go pee!" He rushes to where he knows the only bathroom in the apartment is, down the hall across Hyuck's room, and locks himself in before he can see the others react and before he has a full blown panic attack. He tries to steady his breathing by the bathroom sink and splashes some cold water on his face. "What were you _thinking,_ Mark Lee?" he exclaims at the mirror, "what the hell just happened???"

He can't tell if he was about to hurt himself, hurt Donghyuck, or both. He was so utterly confused, he couldn't tell what the other boy was thinking, he couldn't even organize his own thoughts. He almost kissed him! Did he want to kiss him? Even if he did, then what? Would they get back together? They only just started talking and trying to fix their friendship. Whatever happened, Mark was sure that a kiss would have ruined whatever they had just fixed over dinner.

Maybe he could go out there and pretend nothing happened. Maybe Donghyuck and Renjun would both be nice enough to do the same. What other option did he have?

Mark tries to steady himself before he unlocks the door and steps outside. He's surprised to not hear any voices coming from the living room, and turns to see that they're not by the couch where he left them.

Instead, he hears whispers from the room across him, the door slightly ajar. Mark peeks through the opening to look into the room to see Renjun and Donghyuck sitting on the edge of Donghyuck's bed with their backs towards the door. They haven't noticed Mark's presence, continuing their hushed conversation. He thinks about knocking so they know he's there or backing away so they have a private moment, but stops when he notices something on Donghyuck's bed.

Mark looks closer before realizing they're pictures--pictures of him and pictures of Donghyuck, pictures of them together, all scattered on the bedsheet as if he had been looking through them and trying to organize them. Mark thinks that maybe he was just doing some cleaning up and wanted to get rid of them. But then he spots a picture frame on the bedside table: the picture frame that used to be outside on the coffee table, now right under his reading lamp.

Mark doesn't know what it means. Or maybe he knows what it means but he's afraid to admit it. But seeing it and thinking about it makes him feel funny, makes his stomach turn and his hope rise when it shouldn't and he's suddenly so bewildered and scared because he doesn't know what to do. Because he can't afford to even think he has a chance with Hyuck when Hyuck was the one who turned him away in the first place, when all of it could only end in more heartbreak and pain even though he would probably go through all of it again for the boy he loved. All of his past emotions came flooding back, overwhelming him, and he realizes that he'll never in a million years be just friends with Donghyuck because he can't bear to be around him without being utterly in love or utterly heartbroken.

So, he quietly slips away from the door, goes back into the living room, and leaves the apartment. And then he runs home, breaks down, and rips the letter in his pocket into shreds.


End file.
